Category: VAULT Humor

I didn’t know (or maybe didn’t want to believe) that spammers had rules. Well, I was wrong. That pretty much sums up everything I have experienced from spammers.

Little did I know that Linux can be used to take over the WORLD.

A friend of mine sent me this pic. This is not politically correct and my wife would have me sleep in the dog-house for a week if I ever talked to her this way; but still, I laughed my ass off. You gotta admit the guys got balls.

You can check out more of my on-line pics in the VAULT Image Gallery.

I am sure that just about everyone has heard this before, but its friday and I thought it was funny:

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and Cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he’d probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in; I told him 12:00. He didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, – “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “Oh fuck,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

My co-worker sent me this email. I generally don’t post tons of chain mail posts but this one hits a little too close to home.

Guys’ Rules :

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
10. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
11. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
13. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
15. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
17. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
18. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
20. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
21. You have enough clothes.
22. You have too many shoes.
23. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
24. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Props to my brother Adam for this link. This is for those of you thought that Tux was just a cuddly little penguin; instead of a wingless mega-death giving machine.

Tom’s Hard News has the most entertaining news of the day. Evidently Scott Richter (of Spam King fame) is filing suite against the owners of Spamcop. The basis of his suite is defamation. Spamcop evidently has “soiled” the reputation of his company.

Funny I would have thought that being a spammer would have been enough to spoil his companies reputation by itself. Its my opinion that spammers occupy Cocytus; along with Lucifer himself. “All hope abandon, ye who spam!” Crap, I wonder if I will get sued for defamation now.

Found a new web-toon that I have enjoyed the last couple of days called Questionable Content. The funny part is that I know entirely too many guys are are like this. The girl in the comic kinda looks like Jason’s wife (and my dear friend) Liz.

Amusing little email a co-worker sent me.  Thought I might be fun for a Friday.

Corporate Lesson 1:
Share critical information pertaining to Credit and Risk

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the
door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel
that you have on.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and
leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,
“Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk in a timely fashion with your stockholders, you may be
in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
Always be well informed

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The
priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and
immediately said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

Once again the priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek.
Further on, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might
miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
Respect leadership hierarchy wisely

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three
wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s
gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be
in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I
want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
Know your position in the corporate structure

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
Advancement Strategies

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.
“They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after
a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep
you there.

Few epics in history have the passion and drama of that of the lives of Mario and Luigi, aka The Mario Brothers. Don’t believe me? Check outMario Brothers: Part I and see the previously untold story.