Category: VAULT Humor

Spam Humor

Think you have a solution to spam? Check out spamsolutions. Its an online spam solution form with pre-selectable failure options. My favorite is

Specifically, your plan fails to account for…
Armies of worm riddled broadband-connected Windows boxes

And my God have Mercy on my Soul

In what is undoubtedly the most heinous crime I have committed; Heather (my wife, closest friend, and eternal slave master) points out that I failed to mention the outcome of what is possible the most important superstition held by the meteorological community. Yes I am talking about the infamous Punxsutawney Phil and the illustrious Groundhog day.

To sum it all up as well as I can guesstimate… on Fed 2, 2004 Phil got out of his hole, did or did not see something, and somehow that implies something about the weather. Now hopefully my sins will be forgiven. You are welcome Heather!

Its a Feature

Had a co-worker send me this.  Pretty funny if you are a programmer.

Top 23 replies by programmers when their programs don’t work:

  1. “I thought I fixed that.”
  2. “Where were you when the program blew up?”
  3. “Why do you want to do it that way?”
  4. “You can’t use that version on your system.”
  5. “Even though it doesn’t work, how does it feel?”
  6. “Did you check for a virus on your system?”
  7. “Somebody must have changed my code.”
  8. “It works, but it’s not been tested.”
  9. “THIS can’t be the source of THAT.”
  10. “I can’t test everything!”
  11. “It’s just some unlucky coincidence.”
  12. “You must have the wrong version.”
  13. “I haven’t touched that module in weeks!”
  14. “There is something funky in your data.”
  15. “What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?”
  16. “It must be a hardware problem.”
  17. “How is that possible?”
  18. “It worked yesterday.”
  19. “It’s never done that before.”
  20. “That’s weird…”
  21. “It’s WAD (Working As Designed)”
  22. “It’s a feature”
  23. “Who did you login as ?”

Todays Quickie

A little mid-week humor sent to me by a co-worker.

The bumper sticker “Run Hillary Run” is selling like hotcakes in New York.
Democrats put them on the back bumper. Everyone else puts them on the front

To understand a woman

In what will surely go down in history as “the day husbands around the world finally figured out what the hell their wives REALLY want”, I offer this story from eetimes.  Lie-detector glasses, does not really seem like an accurate description though, as the work on voice intonation.  Still, with the range of emotions they claim to work on…  maybe I can finally be an understanding man.

Its my life

Mike passed my along this link on Software Reality concerning the instance of role fragmentation in the IT work-place.  Its basically a 15 minute rant, but damn if its not funny (funny in a “oh crap, this is my life!” way.)  If you are a programmer you will appreciate this.  If you are a programmer that is managed by a network administrator you will really appreciate this.

Ode to Texas

My co-worker just got back from Houston, TX (the dirtiest city in the US!) At the same time Daniel sent me this list; it seem appropriate. You know you’re livin’ in Texas if…

  1. You measure distance in minutes.
  2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
  3. Stores don’t have shopping carts; they have buggies.
  4. Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.
  5. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
  6. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
  7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
  8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
  9. You carry jumper cables in your car… for your own car.
  10. You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe-hunting” are.
  11. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
  12. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
  13. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
  14. The local papers covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
  15. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
  16. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
  17. You find 90 degrees F “a little warm.”
  18. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
  19. You know whether another Texan is from southern, middle, or northern Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
  20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
  21. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as “goin’ wal-martin” or off to “Wally World.”
  22. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
  23. A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop… it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.
  24. (…and in honor of Mike) You believe that the fastest way to get through traffic is to stop in the middle of the intersection during the red light.

Heather.. Did you do this?

My wife things I am a computer geek.  So I like to spend some free time programming, playing video games, watching Lord of the Rings and Babylon 5 (which SHE like to watch also BTW…) and generally know entirely too much about computers.  She married me, didn’t she?

Well evidently catching a geek guy is not all bad.  Check out this HowTo Girl’s Guide to Geek Guys.  To be absolutely honest its pretty much spot on.

24mph

The great question of our generation has finally been answered.  Yes, we now know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow!  I don’t know about you but the better part of my philosophical study has been in the pursuit of the answer to this question. 

Now notice the bigger paradox.  The answer to the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is simply the Answer for Life, The Universe and Everything, reversed!  24 <-> 42  I’m not sure that even Nietzsche could have seen this great nexus coming. Can the “Question to the Answer for Life, The Universe and Everything” be far behind?

The Plan

I got forwarded an email (incorrectly attributed to Robin Williams) listing a plan to solve the U.S.’s foreign affairs problems.  Although it is NOT an actual quote from Robin WIlliams, that does not invalidate the overall quality of the the plan:

1) The US will apologize to the world for our “interference” in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini and the rest of them ‘good old boys’. We will never “interfere” again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself, don’t hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers.

5) No “students” over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a “D” and it’s back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else.

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not “interfere”. They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if any anyway.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us “Ugly Americans” any longer.

Nice… very nice.